I dressed in my warm clothes even though I was riding the bike and would be warm enough very quickly. It was simply because the slow steady exertion of the bike ride seemed to heat my body better than even the running had done. Running had warmed me up, but it also wore me out. The bike tending to warm me, and give a work out, but leave me with some reserve energy in place. I didn’t feel that I was completely tapped out when I returned home.
After the ride I came home and fixed a bowl of cereal. I didn’t love cereal, but it was easy to manage. It was also healthy, which didn’t hurt. I kind of liked having a meal that was easy to prepare and good for me. I couldn’t say that about the meals that I really enjoyed in the morning. For example I loved my breakfast sandwiches, pancakes and waffles come to mind as well.
I knew I had to keep my personal life far separated from my professional life. My personal life style was far removed from my profession and never the twain shall meet, was my motto. Having to justify how I lived my personal life, with the expectations of the community I served, would be a huge problem and major disappointment to the people I served.
Later that evening I got a phone call from one of the people who knew me well. It was Monk who called. “Hello Sylvia,” his voice came from the phone.
“Hello Monk, how you doing?” I asked.
“I’m just fine how are you,” he asked in return.
“I’m just fine as well. So what you been up to since we last met?” I asked.
“I haven’t been up to anything to make me forget about you,” he said.
“Well that’s sweet, but you know you don’t want to be seen with a cop,” I said.
“No, but we could always meet at one of those motels far enough away to save both our reputations.” he suggested.
“Sure but why. I have paid you off Monk. If I owed you anything, I would be more than happy to pay you. You know that is true.” I said.
“Yes Sylvia, I know you pay your debt.” he said.
“That’s a good thing for you to know, because it is also a fact that I don’t just simply whore around, but I do pay my debts every time.”
“Yes, I know,” he said with a smile in his voice. “I also know there are still people who want to kill you.”
“I’m a copper Monk. There will always be people who want to kill me,” I said.
“There will also be people like me, who want to screw you as well.” he said.
“I will let you just as long as you make it when and where I want,” I said. With that I broke the connection. Monk really didn’t have anything to say, he just wanted to feel sorry for himself, since I was finished with him for now. I didn’t have any hard feelings he just didn’t want to be seen with a cop and I couldn’t really afford to be seen with a motorcycle type guy.
There were plenty of questionable things I did, but openly consorting with criminals and those in the fringes, wasn’t one of them. Oh I consorted just not openly.
I spent most of the afternoon and evening either on the bike or checking on the bike. I did a lot of reading on how best to use the bike. I decided that I would not do the morning ride on the way home from the station at 5AM. It might sound like a good idea, but it was dark then and there was just no light bright enough to make it safe. Even though I planned to ride the bike to work, it would be a straight there and straight home thing.
I was trying very hard to come to terms with the new job. I loved the hours and the lack of supervision but it was all the most dangerous parts of the jobs tossed into one. I had an idea why Chief Deputy Simpson sent me to the SOU. I was a bit of a mover and shaker for the quiet department to deal with. There was more going on in the SOU than on patrol. I took those and it freed up the patrol officers to take care ordinary stuff.
What I had a hard time with was why Learner was assigned to the detail. Had he pissed off someone or was it because he was Gung Ho. I would like to think he was a good officer, but the truth was I had no idea. They might be just trying to get us both out of the way. It had happened before to officers that were too interested for their own good. I knew that I wanted to chase bad guys, but I didn’t know about Learner.
“After the convenience store bust, we came up with two days off Rachael asked me at the station to go to her church’s revival during our two days off. Lerner and I had off from Friday morning at 5AM until Sunday night at 8PM. There was plenty of time, if I wanted to go, but I didn‘t.
“I’m sorry Rachel but I have plans for this weekend. I’m supposed to go down and visit my mother.” I said. I said it even though it was a complete lie. If I did anything, I might track down Mary Ellen, I thought. It was Friday night and I was trying to find something to do that wouldn’t make it obvious to Rachel that I was a liar. In other words I wanted something that would amount to me lying low.
I know I should have gone to visit the family, but I just hadn’t managed to forgive them yet. Dad was still on my list of people I would one day kill for his abuse of me as a child, and mom, her I would kill for allowing it to happen. Of course that was all just the ramblings of a pissed off child. It was done now, I had somehow managed to get past it. As long as none of the grand kids had those problems it was survivable for me, but it they were harmed all bets were off.
The shrink the Air Force got me to talk to had always said that I handled it better than anyone he had ever read about. I guess it was true, I was a highly functioning abuse victim. “So I guess all childhood abusive victims either come serial abusers themselves or cops?” I asked him.
“No, but the most extreme do it seems. You don’t hunt down abusers, but you do protect the weak. I have read your file.” he said.
“Well in the states I just did the job they gave me. In my two deployment, I went out of my way to assist the indigenous people, especially the women and children, to defend themselves, when they couldn’t otherwise.” I explained.
“Probably a good thing that your commanders don’t know why you volunteer so often. It’s That need to be a hero is common in a lot of child abuse victims when they grow up.” he explained.
“I prefer to think that I can make a difference and survive it,” I said. “I have learned a few tricks that give me a better than average chance.”
“You know you are not always going to survive it,” he explained.
“Well something is going to kill us all,” I said. I would like it to be in my sleep, but one thing is as good as another. I had come to terms with is all. I still needed to be a hero but I didn’t need to talk about it any more. I just accepted that the my compulsion was better than that of a serial killer. I did visit mom once in a while, but dad never. He was most likely to get a bullet in the back of the head, if I saw him.
I hated nights I didn’t work and had no plans. I sat around the house with my brain firing random burst of thought. Like I really did need to kill my dad before he died of old age. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I could still remember how good some of the things he did to me felt. Yes he deserved to die for them, but damn they had felt good to a preteen girl.
When I performed my first oral sex on someone other than dad, it had been no big deal for me, but for him it had been a major awakening. I guess I should thank my dad for the number of boys who followed me around like puppy dogs during my teenage years. I was very popular with a certain crowd. I could have been prom queen, if they had their way. Instead I went to the prom alright, but it was with one of the guys who didn’t seem to mind that they called me the a slut.
He got his blowjob first thing, it was the price I paid for having a date to the prom. God I hated high school. I couldn’t wait to leave town, so when I graduated high school on a Friday night, my bus left for the induction physical the next Monday morning at 8AM. I was in the military before dark.
The current Friday night, I went to the dance club in Dobson where I had met Lamar. All the old memories caused me to need to be humiliated for some reason. I recognized the need in me, and had long ago learned to give into it rather than fight it. I sat in the parking lot to make the final decision. I decided to go in, so I took the pistol off and locked it in the dash of the Toyota. I did keep the box opener, and I had it hidden in my hand as I entered the club.
I had the cover charge waved by the bouncer so I gave him a smile. I walked in to see the people trying to dance to that silly rap music. It was humorous, since they mostly did a variation of a tribal dance of some kind.
I had a drink that was way too expensive, then danced with a couple of young men who asked. I flirted with them but none was as forward as Lamar, and he wasn’t around. I got bored rather quickly and headed for the door.
“You leaving this early?” a older black man asked.
“I’m leaving now, I don’t know how early it is.” I said.
“Why don’t you stay and have a drink?” he asked.
“I had a drink and now I’m ready to leave. There isn’t much to do at the moment.” I said.
“This is one of the better nights, but it takes a while to warm up,” he said.
“You mean they men have to get a little drunk to build up their courage?” I asked.
“Sometimes it looks that way, I’m afraid,” he said.
“I think I go home and wash my hair. No offense but it happens now and then that I just wait so long I lose interest.” I turned and walked out into the parking lot. He followed me out and pulled on my arm.
I turned to him and pressed him back against the cinder block walls. I had the box opener pressed against his throat. “Now tell me you weren’t trying to manhandle me, or prepare to meet your God.” I said.
“I’m sorry,” he said genuinely frightened. “I honestly didn’t mean anything. I just wanted to get your attention.”
“Congratulations you did,” I said