Sylvia Porter 223

Sylvia 223

Yeah I felt like a dumb ass while I waited the hours in a cold house for the emergency delivery of propane.  I could have brought the small commercial cooking burner in the house to get some heat, but I chose to heat the small box in front with a ceramic electric heater.  It didn’t get warm but if I sat right in front of it, I didn’t freeze either.

The delivery man came after lunch, but that was okay.  I couldn’t be pissed at him for my stupidity.  He left me with a bill for $376.00 it was interesting to know what a full tank of propane cost me.  In the dead of winter the tank required filling once a month but it was usually less than $300.  I had learned a valuable lesson from the experience.

I loaded the micro- minivan with several of the items from each crate.  I wanted Jeremy to know what he was up against.  I drove off in the van with no thought whatsoever of riding the bike that day.

“So here are a sample of the rest of your items,” I suggested.

“I  have already got your stuff on line.  I went with ebay for the electronics and itsy bitsy for the other stuff.  I expect to sell something today.” Jeremy said.

I felt like he was overly optimistic, but said, “That certainly would be nice.”

Every day when I went into town I carried some of the product with me.  I loaded the micro-van and unloaded it behind Mary Ellen old boutique building.  The top floor became a storage space for the things we were going to sell on line.  While the bottom was more a browse shop.  I had a very small space in the store for a cheap jewelry display and I kept my tools there in case I ever wanted to make jewelry again.

Time just kind of drifted by.  I had lots of things going on but nothing that really seemed to hold my interest for more than a few hours.  I was bored even though something or other always seemed to demand my attention.  If it was Jeremy and that part of the business, I was calls from my moonshine customers begging me to go back into business.  I even had to have the cruiser checked twice for running really rough.  It also was having the oil light come on every week at least once.  Even I knew that wasn’t right.

I began thinking about a new car.  My first thought was a little sports car.  Then I learned they were somewhere between 50K and 200K and I decided against that.  I gave electric some thought, but knew better than to even consider that.  Maybe in ten years but not now.  The problem really was I liked the cruiser but the engine was really starting to give me trouble.  I mean, it might be something I did or the last driver, but it only had ninety thousand miles on it.  I had replaced the timing belt, and a bunch of other parts on the outside of the engine.  I guess I just wanted a different car.

Even with all that going on I couldn’t get motivated.  I just walked through each day like I wasn’t really there at all.  It was a lot of ‘whatever’ attitude.  Jeremy actually called me every other day it seemed to tell me how much he had made on something.  He was getting to be a real business man.  I thought he wanted to paint, but he had lost that urge in his desire to chase the almighty dollar.  His reports were part of the ‘whatever’ world.  I mean I had more than broken even on the damaged crates and I was bored.

The only thing that brought me out of the boredom was the board of elections decision to have a town hall meeting with all the candidates for office present.  Mostly there would be a couple of minutes at best per candidate.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I went.

It started at six with opening statements.  I really hadn’t planned anything, so I just winged it.  “Hi, I’m Sylvia Porter and I want to be your new Sheriff.  I guess you want to know what my experience is, so let me tell you a little about me.  I was a deputy here for a years or so.  The state police borrowed me to be an undercover drug runner for a local dealer who was a major distributor.  After a year we shut his ass down.  Then the state had to hide me out for the year it took to get the subjects of that investigation to trial.  They hid me in a game warden job at the edge of the the great dismal swamp.

Believe it or not we got involved with some other drug dealers, and I got hit by some flying Cypress tree splinters and lost almost 50% use of my left hand.  They wouldn’t renew my LED certificate and without that you can’t work for Law Enforcement anywhere.   That is unless you get elected Sheriff.  After my forced retirement, I did some security work for a private company and that’s kind of my total six year experience in the law enforcement field.  Thanks for listening and I hope you will vote for me.

A couple of other people got up and made their speech before Chief Deputy Webster Retired made  his speech.  They all had prepared remarks and pretty soon it was over.  Then the questions began.

“Miss Porter, Debbie Messer here with Chanel 8 TV.  Could you tell our audience how many people you have killed.”

“Yes Ma’am, I killed all I could, that were trying to kill me.” I said.  The crowd burst into laughter.  “And none who weren’t.”

“But can you give us a number.” She insisted.

“Well I really can’t.  You see I fired a ,50 Caliber machine gun into some rocks when the Taliban tried to kill me and my fellow airmen.  I have no idea whether I hit anything or not.  I do know it got quiet after a while.”

“How about in Vera Cruz,” she asked.

“You are remarkably well informed.  Again as many as I could of those trying to kill me.  That’s the best answer I can give you.” I said.  “Let some of the others talk you are hogging the whole question period.”

I went back to my chair, but an old man in overalls stepped up to the podium.  “Miss Porter if you are the Sheriff, what you gonna do about moonshine liquor?”

“Well Sir, I’m going to tell my deputies, if they have a reason to stop a car, and a reason to search that car, and they find moonshine, I expect them to charge the person.  But I think there are more important things for a deputy to do than walk through the woods trying to find a still.  Now if they come across one in the course of some other investigation, then I expect them to do the right thing.  So be sure you hide yours well.”

“If the president of the unites states can tell officers not to enforce laws just to get elected, then I guess I can chase after the moonshiner vote.  Oh I do have one condition, if the moonshine is dangerous, then I will chase the moonshiner down.  So if you are going to make it be like a doctor, first do no harm.”

“How about drugs,” a young woman asked.

“If a deputy comes across a pot dealer while he is doing his job, then I expect him to make an arrest.  If he sees a teenager smoking a joint in public, I expect him to drag the kid’s ass in and we will call the daddy.  If daddy don’t do the right thing, we might start looking at him.  If he does, then the case is closed as far as I’m concerned.  Sometimes justice is just a matter of scaring the hell out of some kid.  Sometime it is shutting down a hard drug dealer.  There is no place in my Warren country for hard drugs period.  If you have to have drugs, go to Surry County to buy them.  Now please give the others a chance.

That ended my participation in the town hall.  When it was over I had a lot of people come up and say they agreed or they disagreed with me.  That also fell into the ‘Whatever’ part of my life.  I mean I wanted the job, but I wasn’t going to kiss any babies to get the votes.

I was surprised when Jeremy called to tell me I was on the llPM channel 8 news.  So how did I look?” I asked.

“Well you need a hair cut,” he said.

“Well before the big elections, I’ll get one.  So did I win your vote?” I asked.

“Honey you would have to shoot Allen in front of me to lose my vote,” he said.

“Thanks sweetie,  Well if that’s all there is I’m going to go to an adult chatroom and pretend I’m a fancy lady bored with my life and masturbate,” I informed him.

“Sweetie you could come to the pub and let us watch,” he suggested.

“Aren’t you getting all bisexual on me,” I commented.

“Well you just never know,” he said.  “Besides you look more manly than any of the men around here most days.”

“Sweetie, that is not a complement,” I said and laughed.

I did exactly what I said I was going to do.  I went to an adult chatroom, but I just pretended to be a bored housewife.  I might really try that someday.  I mean I had done a lot of things maybe I should try housewife for a year at least.  Then I thought about all the shit I had going and how bored I was even with all that going on.  I realized there was no way I could be a housewife without blowing my brains out.

A Few weeks later Jeremy called to tell me all the computers were gone.  He had sold ten of them to one buyer on ebay.  “Someone with a lot of shit to hide,” I suggested.

“Well I didn’t ask, since I figured we really didn’t care what he did with them,” he informed me.

“True, so is that all the merchandise?” I asked.

“I have some of those dreadful sculptures left, but all the textiles are gone.  Blankets and throw rugs went in the first week.  Those thumb drives likewise.  Selling that stuff for ten percent lower than anyone else makes that shit just fly out in a mail truck,” he said.

“Give me my cut, and you can have all the merchandise left.” I said.

“I have been making regular deposits in your company’s bank account.  Don’t you ever check it?” he asked.

“Not really. I trust you Jeremy why should I second guess you.  I don’t have the patience to do what you do.” I said stroking his ego.

“Well thank  you.  Did you see that add Webster is running on TV?” he asked.

“No should I?” I said.

“He is doing a real law and order thing.  Pretty much saying you are going to be soft on crime,” Jeremy said.

“You know Jeremy, we need to have a barbecue dinner for a hundred or so farmers.  Have it and not invite a single big wig except the press.  Let them interview the people who are eating the barbecue.  We won’t do anything but shake hands and and answer questions, one on one,”  I said.

“Why do you keep saying we,” he asked.

“I planned on you organizing it.  Shit you know I can’t organize anything.” I said.

“There isn’t a hall big enough for such a meeting,” Jeremy said.

“How about we go out to the state park.  If we have it in the middle of the day it should be warm enough.  I will give them the food and they can stay and eat with us, or take it home, no strings attached,” I said.  “First hundred who show up regardless of their politics. That’s how we advertise it.”

“You know that TV woman will be talking to the people who hate you, as well as those who love you,” Jeremy said.

“Whatever,” I replied.

About cindypress

sorry it is a mystery.
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7 Responses to Sylvia Porter 223

  1. Walt says:

    Nothing like “FREE”, especially free food to draw a crowd. Works every time.

  2. oli says:

    thank you for a new chapter. This sheriff election will be exciting. looing forward

  3. jack says:

    Them country folk like those free hot dog, hamburger one on one polotico gatherings. good thinking might need to have several of them. thanks

  4. cindypress says:

    well we will see lol

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